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X is four years older than me and we study at the same university.  

I was fond of him, so my friend encouraged me to be friends over the phone. I was a bit wary but tried my luck anyway.  

Soon, I realised that I liked him. I enjoyed his company and shared his interests but I never really told him. Back then, I felt that I was not really good at expressing myself.  

I guess we all have our insecurities and, besides, I was such a straightforward, goody-goody and naïve girl. 

X is quite an important and famous person in university, from what I observed and learned from my friends. I see him as humble, friendly, down-to-earth, open-minded, ambitious and spiritual. Overall, he is such a balanced person. Almost perfect.  

When I’m around him, I feel calm, and this sense of safety and security just washes over me.  

We actually got to know each other “by accident”. I was not quite ready to meet him but my friend “accidentally” messaged him, saying that I wanted to meet him.  

I was furious, I was going to tell him when the time was right. But, I couldn’t back out so I went to see him and it was the worst experience ever. 

I was nervous and felt so intimidated by him. I was just stammering and felt so silly there. Of course, I was like that because I really liked him.  

I guess I kind of rushed things and scared him off. Besides, I told him that I admired him. After that, I was so ashamed to see him face to face.  

But I can’t really blame my friend. I could have just stopped and forgotten about the whole thing but I don’t like doing things halfway and he has the right to know who I am.  

Suddenly my whole world revolved around him. I was so caught up in my own imaginary world of “us” that it changed me.  

For example, when you like someone you tend to work towards that relationship. That’s what I thought I was doing but I was just being a fake. 

I was trying so hard to impress him so I would brag about everything and join all these societies. He didn’t pay much attention because, I guess, he’s used to all this nonsense. 

Another mistake was that I never listened to him. I wanted to be such a “know it all” that I never told him I was interested and supported what he did, or how much I appreciated him, our friendship or the fact that he inspires me. All because I was so busy “impressing him”. 

At times when we meet, I find it so hard to say “Hi” maybe because I’m really shy. I guess I did hurt him, even if I didn’t mean to. But I’ve apologised and wished him the best of luck in his life. 

But there is something missing in my life. I feel empty and lost.  

My mom was the first to realise that I had changed. I am close to her, being the eldest and the only girl in the family, but I just couldn’t tell her how I had sunk so low, how I had so embarrassed myself.  

The problem is, how can I start over? I want to continue being friends with X. I really do, I just don’t know how.  

Maybe I should make a move but I don’t want him to think ill of me anymore.  

Should I tell him all of this? If so, how do I go about it? 

I’m trying so hard to put it behind me. But he was the turning point in my life. I don’t want to just throw him out like that. I really hope you can help me with my problem. 

Angel 

YOU’RE like a teenager after her first failed date. So many excuses, so much embarrassment.  

You really want to touch base with the guy again but fear that you will bungle the next date all over again. 

You lack confidence because you think too highly of this guy. Although you believe that you’re over this phase, you still can’t bring yourself to be cool and natural towards him.   In your mind, you have replayed thousands of scenarios. In your heart, you have chastised yourself over and over for being “desperate and pathetic”. 

MY husband and I are both 28 and have been married two years.  

He is loving and affectionate but there is one serious problem – he has never made love to me and I am still a virgin.  

I have asked him many times to make love to me but all he does is hug and kiss me. I have even tried wearing sexy lingerie, but to no avail.  

My husband has other strange habits. He regularly gets up after midnight and takes our dog for a walk around the neighbourhood. He is afraid of storms and will come and hold me tightly whenever he hears thunder.  

But one incident scared me the most. I woke up one night and realised that he wasn’t in bed. I heard voices coming from the bathroom and when I went to check, I saw him crouched in a corner, talking to himself.  

When I went over to him, he started weeping. I asked him what was bothering him but all he could say was that he did not want to see me die.  

I went with him to consult a psychologist after this incident but the expert said that my husband’s mental health was perfectly normal.  

I love my husband so much and I know that he really loves me. But his absent sex drive and weird behaviour are really stressful on me.  

Melissa 

SEEK a second and even a third opinion about your husband’s emotional and physical condition. He needs help and you can’t do this on your own. 

Do not accept that it is normal if your husband has yet to have sex with you after two years of marriage. His midnight walks and the weeping incident are also unusual.  

As he loves you very much, something must be troubling him. It is also not healthy that he does not try to talk to you or medical specialists with regards to his lack of sex drive and odd behaviour. 

However, do not treat your husband like a freak. Check out his problems patiently and never lash at him out of fear, frustration and ignorance.  

But understand that you will be under a lot of pressure and pain. It is not easy to deal with a situation like this.  

It is going to test your love and patience so seek help and support from friends or dear ones.  

Do not feel that his behaviour is something to hide in silence. You do not have to explain the details but you need to be able to find solace and understanding when the going gets tough. 

This Dear Thelma article was extracted from August 05, 2007 Issue of The Star (StarMag, Lifestyle Section) without edits.

MY boyfriend and I are avid readers of your column, which is why I am writing in to seek your opinion. 

I am a middle-aged divorcee and I have known my boyfriend, who is a widower and lives in another town, for about a month now.  

He is a good person and a successful businessman, and he doesn’t drink, gamble or womanise. In short, he is a man any mother would like her daughter to have. I am happy with him and I know he loves me a lot. 

But, I have a slight problem in our relationship. I am a sociable person and have made a lot of guy friends since my divorce and some have become very good friends to me. However they are strictly platonic relationships and they have never taken advantage of me.  

The problem is that my boyfriend is dead serious about me and wants me to cut off all ties with them. He gets very upset when I talk to them late at night.  

I am serious about him, too, and therefore I am always honest with him. I let him know who I mix with because I want him to accept me totally before he marries me.  

I feel he is curtailing my freedom to have male friends but he says that there is no necessity for me to have guy friends once we are married.  

I feel sad for, although I would never behave improperly behind my boyfriend’s back, I cannot just let go of my friendship with these guys for they also hold a special place – as friends – in my heart. 

It has come to a stage that he gets very upset when I tell him these things, so much so that he has no mood to eat, sleep or work for days. He wants me to choose – it’s either him or them.  

Of course, he is the best thing that ever came into my life but I still want to keep in touch with my guy friends, on and off, because they made the sun shine again for me when my days were dark. 

Please help me to put some sense into my boyfriend’s head. I am an open, true and honest person and I never hide anything from him for I want to be his best friend, lover and wife at the same time.  

Am I wrong in my desire to carry on my friendship with these guys when I have a boyfriend whom I am going to marry ultimately?  

I have also told these guys that I have a serious boyfriend now and all of them wished me happiness. 

Deeply Troubled 

YOU can’t change each other to fit into a relationship. You value your guy friends but he prefers that you share your life only with him.  

You can’t say he’s selfish because you want to have your way, too. You need to compromise or the relationship will suffer.   Frankly, conversations late into the night with other men, albeit platonic friends, is a hard pill for a man to swallow.