Find the right compromise

MY boyfriend and I are avid readers of your column, which is why I am writing in to seek your opinion.

I am a middle-aged divorcee and I have known my boyfriend, who is a widower and lives in another town, for about a month now.

He is a good person and a successful businessman, and he doesn’t drink, gamble or womanise. In short, he is a man any mother would like her daughter to have. I am happy with him and I know he loves me a lot.

But, I have a slight problem in our relationship. I am a sociable person and have made a lot of guy friends since my divorce and some have become very good friends to me. However they are strictly platonic relationships and they have never taken advantage of me.

The problem is that my boyfriend is dead serious about me and wants me to cut off all ties with them. He gets very upset when I talk to them late at night.

I am serious about him, too, and therefore I am always honest with him. I let him know who I mix with because I want him to accept me totally before he marries me.

I feel he is curtailing my freedom to have male friends but he says that there is no necessity for me to have guy friends once we are married.

I feel sad for, although I would never behave improperly behind my boyfriend’s back, I cannot just let go of my friendship with these guys for they also hold a special place – as friends – in my heart.

It has come to a stage that he gets very upset when I tell him these things, so much so that he has no mood to eat, sleep or work for days. He wants me to choose – it’s either him or them.

Of course, he is the best thing that ever came into my life but I still want to keep in touch with my guy friends, on and off, because they made the sun shine again for me when my days were dark.

Please help me to put some sense into my boyfriend’s head. I am an open, true and honest person and I never hide anything from him for I want to be his best friend, lover and wife at the same time.

Am I wrong in my desire to carry on my friendship with these guys when I have a boyfriend whom I am going to marry ultimately?

I have also told these guys that I have a serious boyfriend now and all of them wished me happiness.

Deeply Troubled

YOU can’t change each other to fit into a relationship. You value your guy friends but he prefers that you share your life only with him.

You can’t say he’s selfish because you want to have your way, too. You need to compromise or the relationship will suffer. Frankly, conversations late into the night with other men, albeit platonic friends, is a hard pill for a man to swallow.

But his stand that you cut your friends off completely is unreasonable.

So, will the two of you consider being friends with your friends?

However, never expect a man to understand that other guys hold such a special place in your heart and life. He will always want to be best loved and the most important.

No one really wants to know the fine details of how you feel about others, especially those of his same gender. It’s jealousy, insecurity and fear of losing you to someone else.

Appreciate that he loves you so dearly. Reassure him of your love and do not shut him out just because he cannot understand your feelings about your friends.

Understand his feelings, too. Try introducing your man to your guy friends. If they should click, you have less worry that he will flip over in anger each time you do lunch or have a chat.

But never allow your friends to shadow your relationship. Regardless of how honest and open you may be, your man is your priority.

Ease him into your circle but do not expect him to welcome your friends into his.

In a marriage, a woman must know how the scales tip. The right balance is not always balanced.

This Dear Thelma article was extracted from July 29, 2007 Issue of The Star (StarMag, Lifestyle Section) without edits.