Frustrated hunter

I HAD a loving family and an ordinary childhood; I did well at school and earned a Bachelor and then a Master’s degree overseas with scholarships. I also fell in love during my university days and we had a wonderful two years together.

But when we came back to Malaysia and met her mother, it all came to an end because her mother felt I wasn’t good enough – I was from a small town and, at that time, jobless and penniless. For the first time in my life, I cried.

The break up was a turning point in my life. I wanted badly to prove to that family that I could be successful. And I have become successful. I got a job in a multinational company and buried myself in work. I rose quickly; moved to other companies, and each time I moved, it was a career progression. My career was my focus; personal relationships took a back seat.

I had two relationships that didn’t work out; when I was 27 and then at 35. They were just small setbacks to me and I continued focusing on my career until I became the director of the company I was working for. After several years in that top position, I finally realised I had achieved what I had set out to do.

At 40, I was engaged to a woman but she broke it off several months later, complaining that I do not spend enough time with her as I am always working and travelling. After that break up, I began travelling even more to ease the pain I was feeling.

Now I am in my mid 40s. I am tired of work and travel. I have been everywhere and now prefer to stay at home. I live in a nice house, drive an expensive car, am well-connected, own property around Kuala Lumpur and have assets worth more than a million. My friends envy me.

But, Thelma, my life is empty. I envy my friends, as most are married and have nice families. They might not be as financially well off as I am, but they have richer, more balanced lives. Recently, I quit my job because I thought, “What is the use of continuing when my personal life is in shambles?” Anyway, I figure I have enough to last me into my old age.

I now spend most of my time golfing and, yes, travelling again (thanks to cheap airfares). I am hunting for someone to share my life, a soul mate. I have tried the Internet without success and I have even been going clubbing looking for someone. Each time I meet a girl that I fancy, something stands in the way. Most of them insist that I am married and not sincere. Is this it? Is this what my life is?

Alone and Lonely

DESPITE your success in money and career, you seem to have lost confidence when it comes to love. You quit your job to find your soul mate. But how can you find her when you feel so resigned and hopeless?

A man of your calibre should have no problems convincing a woman of your feelings and intention.

You are single and eligible. So why would most women you have met doubt your status? Your house is cold and empty, waiting to be filled with love and passion. You are only in your mid-40s, wealthy and intelligent. What woman could resist a man with so much to offer?

Perhaps your desperation and intensity have been misunderstood and misconstrued. Many women are wary of men on the prowl. The Internet and clubbing may not attract the women of your dreams. You need someone to care about you, love you tenderly and heal the wounds of your past.

Take your time, stop “hunting”. Think of doing something that will put some challenge back in your life.

Soon, you will tire of golfing and travelling. When your mind is active, you will not feel so lonely.

Relax and move in circles where you can meet women who meet your needs.

Do not be too proud or shy to ask for introductions. Yet, love can be contrary. Sometimes, she needs to find you, so do not rush.

You have done well and it is commendable that you have fought the odds and succeeded. Be proud of what you have achieved and do not regret what you do not have. Put your heart into a cause if you have yet to find love. Be fulfilled and contented with what you have. When you are at peace with yourself, you will find love.

This Dear Thelma article was extracted from July 1, 2007 Issue of The Star (StarMag, Lifestyle Section) without edits.

One Response to “Frustrated hunter”

Rick Cheah
August 15th, 2007 at 11:12 am

DEAR Alone and Lonely, speaking as someone who has married, divorced and am now single, I can see things and have been through experiences that may be useful to you.

You are still trying to prove yourself to someone and to everyone. But you’ve done that: you are successful and you need to prove yourself no more.

Quitting your job was not the best thing that you should have done. Work is not just about the money. It’s something you do to make life meaningful, and while doing it for that reason and not for financial gains anymore, you may see others, in this case women, in a different light.

Be friendly, be sociable, start up conversations, take part in activities that you find fun in doing, and you will find those who share your interests. In the process of doing all this, you may, I emphasise the word, find someone who likes you the same way you like her. If not, you are still enjoying life, so what do you have to lose?

For a man, being 40 in an Asian society is not at all a barrier to love and marriage. You have choices in life, so let it not be abandonment and despair and “giving up”.

Listen to me, there’s a whole lot of living to do yet for you. If you find love along the way, bravo; if not, you are none the worse for it compared to the present. Marriage isn’t always the answer to things like loneliness. It has its own baggage, including financial issues, children, housework and all the nitty gritty things.

From,
Been There, Orlando, Florida, United States

This comment was published in The Star at StarMag, Lifestyle Section