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True love, fake impressions
X is four years older than me and we study at the same university.
I was fond of him, so my friend encouraged me to be friends over the phone. I was a bit wary but tried my luck anyway.
Soon, I realised that I liked him. I enjoyed his company and shared his interests but I never really told him. Back then, I felt that I was not really good at expressing myself.
I guess we all have our insecurities and, besides, I was such a straightforward, goody-goody and naïve girl.
X is quite an important and famous person in university, from what I observed and learned from my friends. I see him as humble, friendly, down-to-earth, open-minded, ambitious and spiritual. Overall, he is such a balanced person. Almost perfect.
When I’m around him, I feel calm, and this sense of safety and security just washes over me.
We actually got to know each other “by accident”. I was not quite ready to meet him but my friend “accidentally” messaged him, saying that I wanted to meet him.
I was furious, I was going to tell him when the time was right. But, I couldn’t back out so I went to see him and it was the worst experience ever.
I was nervous and felt so intimidated by him. I was just stammering and felt so silly there. Of course, I was like that because I really liked him.
I guess I kind of rushed things and scared him off. Besides, I told him that I admired him. After that, I was so ashamed to see him face to face.
But I can’t really blame my friend. I could have just stopped and forgotten about the whole thing but I don’t like doing things halfway and he has the right to know who I am.
Suddenly my whole world revolved around him. I was so caught up in my own imaginary world of “us” that it changed me.
For example, when you like someone you tend to work towards that relationship. That’s what I thought I was doing but I was just being a fake.
I was trying so hard to impress him so I would brag about everything and join all these societies. He didn’t pay much attention because, I guess, he’s used to all this nonsense.
Another mistake was that I never listened to him. I wanted to be such a “know it all” that I never told him I was interested and supported what he did, or how much I appreciated him, our friendship or the fact that he inspires me. All because I was so busy “impressing him”.
At times when we meet, I find it so hard to say “Hi” maybe because I’m really shy. I guess I did hurt him, even if I didn’t mean to. But I’ve apologised and wished him the best of luck in his life.
But there is something missing in my life. I feel empty and lost.
My mom was the first to realise that I had changed. I am close to her, being the eldest and the only girl in the family, but I just couldn’t tell her how I had sunk so low, how I had so embarrassed myself.
The problem is, how can I start over? I want to continue being friends with X. I really do, I just don’t know how.
Maybe I should make a move but I don’t want him to think ill of me anymore.
Should I tell him all of this? If so, how do I go about it?
I’m trying so hard to put it behind me. But he was the turning point in my life. I don’t want to just throw him out like that. I really hope you can help me with my problem.
Angel
YOU’RE like a teenager after her first failed date. So many excuses, so much embarrassment.
You really want to touch base with the guy again but fear that you will bungle the next date all over again.
You lack confidence because you think too highly of this guy. Although you believe that you’re over this phase, you still can’t bring yourself to be cool and natural towards him. In your mind, you have replayed thousands of scenarios. In your heart, you have chastised yourself over and over for being “desperate and pathetic”.
Don’t do this to yourself. You should not have to feel so guilty and pressured over love. It’s fine to fall crazily for a fellow you hardly know.
But do not torture yourself emotionally because you think you have failed yourself and hurt the fellow. Frankly, I doubt that X knows what you are going through. He probably thinks of you as a shy, sweet young thing with an enormous crush on him.
Just be yourself the next time you meet. Do not bother to set up a meeting, deliberate or ‘accidental’.
You know where he is so it’s fine to simply say “Hi” the next time you bump into him.
When you feel more relaxed, stop for a chat but do not try to impress or chatter wildly.
Allow the friendship to develop and do not seek love until you read the signs better.
Talk to your mother when you are ready. You need love and support when your feel lost and hurt. Do not keep on thinking that you have done so many things wrong.
It’s all about growing up and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Love is an experience of all your senses so do not be afraid to indulge.
This Dear Thelma article was extracted from August 12, 2007 Issue of The Star (StarMag, Lifestyle Section) without edits.
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