ABOUT seven months ago, I met a Filipino girl from Kuala Lumpur who was visiting Penang for two weeks. It was love at first sight and, after that, we talked for hours over the phone and through sms. 

I used to make weekly trips to KL just to be with her and on Sundays we used to go for worship together and spend the rest of the day together in hotels booked by her. It was just wonderful, we had a lot of happy times and I realised how beautiful love was. 

She persuaded me to quit my job in Penang and find work in KL, saying I would do it if I was really in love with her. 

My problems started the moment I moved to KL. The happy moments and wonderful times we used to have changed to a more sober tone.  

Hardship and tears flowed freely in the moment we were together, from morning till the day’s end. I felt as if the world was crashing down. 

I also came to know from her that she was a married woman with three kids and a husband back home and she even promised to get a divorce and marry me.  

During the tearful moments, she took the opportunity to borrow money from me to support her kids back home and also to finance her studies. She promised to repay me. 

I knew she was working as a maid but she insisted that she was studying business management.  

One day, after I had handed over thousands of ringgit to her, I realised that something was amiss. As soon as she realised that I suspected things were not right, she started to avoid me. 

She changed her phone number and even changed the days of worship to Thursdays as she knew very well I could not.  

Whenever I met her, she always found ways to disappear without a single word. 

My heart was broken into a thousand pieces. I tried to find out the reasons for all these things happening and I was shocked when I discovered that I was not her only victim.  

I also found out that she picked men with whom she could enjoy a luxurious lifestyle. With my own eyes, I saw her going to hotels with other men and enjoying lunches and dinners in cozy places. 

Since I saw the truth, I felt lost and almost went mad because the pain was so unbearable.  

Now I can only hope to get back the money that she borrowed. That was my hard earned savings for my future.  

I did not expect that falling in love for the first time would be such a nightmare. What should I do next? I have lost the energy and the will to carry the burden and sorrow as my heart is filled with unbearable pain?  

Victim 

YOUR “girlfriend” was a probably a pro who made a living trapping susceptible males with her scheming ways. Most men wouldn’t be able to resist beauty and feminine wiles designed to lure lust and secure money. 

However, it would be difficult to get your money back unless you have a legal case. Even then, it would cost you time and money to establish that you have been cheated.   After all, you had an affair with her and perhaps, it could be viewed that it was the price of sex that you had to pay for. Seek legal advice for such redress. 

Focus

Sunday July 22, 2007

Be careful but not afraid

I HAD a boyfriend a few years back and I had a lot of problems with my family, and with him. Ulti-mately, he cheated on me and I found out he’d lied to me.  

I am now 22; until recently, I hated guys. Then a friend advised me, asking how long I intended to go on hating men and keeping people at a distance. She then helped me start an e-mail account and introduced me to an online community. 

I tried online chatting and got to know a 28-year-old guy, A, and we began exchanging messages by e-mail. One day, A gave me his mobile number, but I ignored the significance of that and just continued as before. Finally, he called me, and, for two or three months, we had normal “how are you” chats on the phone.  

As we got to know each other better, he began telling me about himself, what he looked like, etc. But I never trusted a single thing he told me.  

Finally, last month, A said he wanted to meet me. I told him where I worked and he actually drove over, just as he had promised. I was surprised. And, he gave me a small present. After that, he said he was really interested in me. 

A is really different from the other people I’ve mixed with before. Every day, he would sms me, talk to me, support me, advise me and share a lot with me. He would tell me that he really loved me, and that he wanted me to be his life partner.  

At this point, I told him frankly about what had happened in my life before I met him. A said that was all in the past, and we should now just concentrate on the future. His attitude is really different from what I have come to expect from guys.  

Today, A and I have became more than just friends. But what is sad is that I have not told A whether I love him, or like him, or whatever. 

My friends ask me to continue with A, but I feel scared. I can’t help wondering whether I will again fall in the mud and the same thing will happen. 

Mona 

YOU don’t have to fall in love in a hurry. It’s more important to know the guy better before you decide too soon if A is the right man for you. 

However, you need to forget about your first bad love affair. Your friend, S, is right. You should not hate all guys just because you met a jerk the first time around.   You are only 22. Chances are, you will not find love until you have met a fair share of fellows. Don’t shut out love just because you have been hurt once. 

I MET a girl last year. D and I love each other very much. I’ve known her for eight months and she has told me she will do anything for me.  I realised she really meant what she said when she told me that she nearly died when we had an argument. From that day, my love for her became deeper. 

I went to her house to meet her parents and her mother is now very close to me.  

The problem started this year when I noticed that D was sms-ing and calling me less. She said it was because she had to spend a lot of time in a relative’s house.  

At the same time, I noticed that the way she spoke to me and behaved around me also changed.  

After February this year, she stopped answering my calls. Then, she messaged me to say that she had married another guy. She said she belonged to someone else and that I should forget her.  

But I still did not give up and eventually discovered the truth. Actually, she had lied and the real reason D did all that was because she didn’t like my character. She said I was controlling her and she was not comfortable with it.  

I admit I was like that but it was for a good reason. I have realised my mistake and begged for her forgiveness so many times. She said that I was irritating her and asked me to leave.  

If a couple fight or have a misunderstanding, they can settle it by talking to each other and trying to find a solution. But she still doesn’t want to do that.  

I can’t sleep very well because I keep thinking of her. What should I do? 

Sad Guy 

DO not obsess about a love that’s over. While you may not be able to forget, she has obviously made up her mind.  Consider this brief, sweet relationship as a lesson learnt. While you’re probably a good guy, no woman likes to be controlled. You may believe that it’s for her own good but do not hope to change someone to suit you.  

I AM past retirement age while my wife is still working as a high-ranking professional in a big company. We have two children, one married and one single, and both are working. 

Over the years, my wife had belittled me because she earned much more than I did even when I was working. I could safely say that she is a millionaire. She would actually talk behind my back and denigrate me among her friends and our relatives, telling them that she is the only breadwinner who makes a real impact in our family. 

She even told my two children when they were still studying in college that I did not earn much and all their college fees were paid from her high salary. By doing so, she got my children to take her side.  

My children saw only the expensive material things that she bought for them and did not respect me. This went on for years.  

We never really got along during our married life. She boasts too much about her salary and buys her support by giving expensive gifts to our relatives. As a result, my own relatives do not respect me. 

Although she does contribute a lot, I have also contributed proportionately my share of my salary to our household.  

I have already withdrawn my EPF funds years ago and do not have much savings left. I am ill and have been diagnosed with diabetes. I need to take medication.  

My wife had a joint account with me and also granted me a supplementary credit card. 

As I can no longer tolerate the situation, I had asked for divorce many times but she is reluctant. She is worried that she might have to part with her half of the house and other assets that we jointly own. 

So she decided to make me miserable. Recently, she cut me off from our joint account and also froze her supplementary credit cards to me.  

I have no income and am completely helpless. She knows this. 

I do not have money to seek legal advice and am not willing to be dragged to court proceedings that will take years to end.  

I am too old to work but, nevertheless, I am contemplating taking on some odd jobs as I need money to survive. My children ignore me and do not provide me any money for expenses. 

My wife wants me to keep quiet, tolerate her verbal abuse and sit in the house without questioning her or standing up for my rights. 

Since she controls my monthly expense, I am in a tough situation. 

Is there any way to legally compel my wife and my two children to take care of me, taking into consideration the fact that I do not have money to seek legal advise?  

If the law says that a man must support his wife, should it not be the same the other way as well?  

I hope to ask her to agree to sell our assets so that I may be entitled to my share. 

I hope to get another perspective from you on how I should handle this situation. 

Miserable 

YOU can seek free legal advice from the National Legal Aid Committee by contacting the Kuala Lumpur Bar Committee at 03-2693 3585. 

However, the best option may be for you to get a job and earn enough for yourself. Although you are past retirement age, there are still many job opportunities at this time.   As you are aware, a divorce may be a long draw-out affair and the outcome is by no means certain if you want half of your wife’s assets.  

I HAVE read your column since I was a student. Now I’m 30. I was married when I was 22 and four years later, got a divorce. 

This was because I married a mama’s boy. Although he was 10 years older than me, he didn’t protect and take care of me. Most of the time, he was out with his friends and left me at home. 

I’m an independent person so I moved on with my life and went clubbing and hung out with friends. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I moved back into my mum’s house without telling anyone. I did not even tell my mum what actually went wrong with us. 

Two years after the divorce, I met an old friend who was going through a divorce. He has a two-year-old son. I went through the whole process with him and we ended up together.  

For about a year now, we’ve been going through ups and downs. Whenever an argument starts, I will be the one who keeps quiet and cries. A couple of times I’ve even asked to break up. I suspect that he is still not sure what he wants as he is only 31-years-old. His is still very childish and he has a very bad temper. 

He used to flirt even when he was married. He went clubbing and got drunk when his wife was pregnant at home. The reason they got divorced is because he hit her a couple of times.  

So far, he doesn’t dare do that to me. He is financially unstable whereas I have a stable job with a moderate income. I even helped him to settle many of his debts. 

In the beginning, he used to show his temper if he was unhappy but I was patient enough to take it. Early this year, I finally burst! I walked out but in the end, he came and asked me to come back. I can see he is trying to change himself.  

The problem now is, he doesn’t seem to want to commit to me. I tried to talk to him. Most of the time he either just keeps quiet or ignores it. Also, he hasn’t told his parents about us and tells them I am his “friend’’. I am getting tired with all this.  

I asked him once if he still loves his ex-wife. He told me he wasn’t sure. It was then I realised I needed a plan B for my future. I have given myself a deadline for this relationship. By end of this year, if things stay the same, I will “quit’’.  

I’ve always dreamt of going overseas to study and make something of my life. Do you think it is a good idea to give myself a deadline? At times I just want to pack and leave and go to a place where nobody knows me and start all over again. Please help. 

Living in the Mist 

YOU can’t keep on running away from unpleasant truths. You left and divorced your husband without a word when you felt that he was the wrong man for you. Now, you think you should pack your bags and go overseas because this guy will not offer you commitment.   It’s time you stop running and ask yourself what you really want. Is it marriage or a future? Your boyfriend has little to offer you because he is uncertain about his love for you. You are just a friend to his family although you have been together for a few years. He does not want to talk about love or marriage. What are you waiting for?